


Crawl 'Til Dawn

by vespirus



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Post-Breaking Dawn, Realization, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-07 15:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11061915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vespirus/pseuds/vespirus
Summary: She started thinking about if everyone thought she was a guy. What it would feel like. Maybe she’d be her same whingeing self, but everyone said “Just ignore him,” and “He’s my beta,” and “He’s pretty fast, but it’s all he’s got going for him.”It felt good. Really good. Fucking awesome, really.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Damn These Vampires by The Mountain Goats.  
> [Leah playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/shaedslayer/playlist/34IwFlyU37iDN5POGw9Q7g)
> 
> For a long time before I realized I was trans, I got really attached to a lot of tomboy type characters. And when I was in the process of coming to terms with my gender, I hc'd some of them as trans, but especially Leah (since I read Twilight in middle school around the same time I had my first inkling that I was trans). This is kind of a tribute to that, and also I think a trans Leah would add an interesting layer to Leah's story, and provide an explanation for some things.
> 
> Hoping to continue this, with a lot more character interactions -- I just need to reread some of the series because I haven't read it in years lol

Being “the only female wolf” in the pack had always rubbed her the wrong way. She had always thought it was the “only”, and the way it sounded almost condescending. She was always “Sam’s ex-girlfriend” or “harpy” or something even worse. She was always so angry, always felt so out of place. But that just circles back into being the only female wolf in a pack full of men and shifting into a giant wolf every time. All of the pack had a short fuse. It came with the territory.

After the drama of Bella’s marriage and all that came after, she was so damn happy to be in Jake’s pack. She revelled in the freedom from Sam and was glad to have her mind more to herself and to feel like she had a choice and control over something for once in her life. Something still felt.. wrong.. though. She signed up for a yoga class and ended up driving to Port Angeles to look into their community college.

She toured the campus with one of their senior students, picking up a couple pamphlets and making light conversation. It seemed alright. Better than no school, anyway. She was just getting ready to leave when the student who’d been showing her around caught her eye and slid his gaze to the floor.

“The LGBT program here is pretty good. There’s a big trans conference in town every year, and I’m on the council for the pride club. So… Yeah.”

Her annoyance and confusion must have shown because he seemed to backpedal.

“No, I mean.. Sorry, you just gave me a kind of trans vibe. So I just wanted to let you know.” He scratched his nose awkwardly and she rolled her eyes and said goodbye.

On the drive back to La Push, her thoughts kept coming back to that. How ridiculous. Yeah, she was a tomboy. But she was normal. Just a regular straight girl. Seth’s annoying older sister who was in love with Sam Uley. The last time she was mistaken for a boy she was still a teenager, and she had bristled and snapped back at the cashier so rudely she had avoided that store for weeks.

But maybe that’s why she was a wolf. Maybe she had a “warrior’s spirit” or whatever because she was a man. So the fucking mystical forces know her better than she knows herself? Bullshit. She was sick of magic dictating her life and she wasn’t going to let it do this.

That evening she got in a fight with Seth that was worse than usual, and when he asked what the hell had happened to her that day she just slammed her door in answer.

She put it out of her mind.

She spent the week running patrols and hanging around the reservation as usual. She went to her first yoga class, which was about as she expected. The normal week, and the normal depressed resignation that this is her life for the foreseeable future. She drives up to Port Angeles on the weekend, gets super drunk, and sleeps it off in a hotel. She drives back to La Push in the morning, head throbbing, and thankful she left so early that the sun hadn’t risen yet because sun glare in her eyes is the last thing she needs right now.

She ends up at Jake’s. Not surprising, since that’s where she usually would end up when she has a hangover, but that hasn’t really happened since Jake imprinted. She’s already on the porch though, so she knocks anyway. Better to complain to someone than go home and wallow.

Rachel answers the door, and Leah takes a moment to process that it’s not Jake. She peers behind Rachel, trying to see if Jake or even Paul are there, but the house looks empty.

“Hey, Leah. Jake and Paul are out right now. Pack stuff, probably.”

Leah blinks slowly and then nods. Rachel snorts.

“You look like a mess. Come on in. I’ll make you something.” Rachel heads to the kitchen and Leah leans against the doorjamb and eventually makes her stilted way in and flops on the couch. Rachel puts a glass of ice water down on the table and sits down next to her with her own glass.

“So, what’s up? Looks like someone went on a bender last night.” Leah grunted.

“Did something happen? Seth said you’ve been kind of on edge lately.” Leah growled. Damn little brothers.

“I’m fine. Seth worries too much. I’ve just been thinking about college and shit, my mind’s full.” Rachel hummed doubtfully.

“That might pass with the others Lee, but come on. I’ve known you for like, our entire lives. And if you tell me then you won’t have to talk to it about Seth later.” Leah hesitated, trying to hold out, but she knew Seth would try and grill her soon and she’d rather get it out now than then. She took a long sip of her water, trying to think of how to explain it.

“Do you ever feel… On edge. Like. Not in a wolf way, I don’t think it’s a wolf thing. It feels like something’s off, or wrong. I’m uncomfortable all the time and I’m not sure why.” Rachel looked at her with soft eyes.

“It could be an anxiety disorder. I know Rebecca’s been seeing a therapist for a while, you could try that.”

“I… Maybe. But I… Ugh. Don’t tell anyone about this, okay? Or I swear, I’ll fucking kill you.” That felt a little harsh but this was serious. Rachel just nodded with the beginning of a smirk. Leah licked her lips and willed herself to just fucking say it.

“I… This guy told me. I went on a campus tour and the guy said I like, pinged his gaydar or something. That I have a ‘trans vibe’. And I’m not transgender so I don’t know why he said that. Like, I’m kind of a tomboy but that doesn’t mean anything.” She smeared the condensation on the side of the glass, not looking at Rachel.

“But I just keep thinking about it. Like there’s a lot of stuff that’s always really… bothered me. And I have reasons for it, but they don’t feel right. Like everyone just knows me as like, Sam’s shitty ex-girlfriend, or that one girl wolf, or the resident harpy. And it sucks. But it’s never felt like just hating Sam, and hating being looked down on, and hating being an anomaly, was the full reason. Like there’s something that’s missing. And I’m just miserable all the time and it sucks. I’m upset so much but I don’t know why. And it might just be a wolf thing, but the other guys don’t seem to have as much of a problem with it. Not in the same way.”

Rachel put a hand on her arm and Leah stared at the chipped blue nail polish on her hand.

“I think… You need to think about if you were a boy, would it be the same. Like, if everything was the same but you were Sam’s ex-boyfriend. And so on.” Leah swallowed and gave a small nod.

“Either way. Do you want some food? You look like you could use it.”

* * *

 

She tried it. She started thinking about if everyone thought she was a guy. What it would feel like. Maybe she’d be her same whingeing self, but everyone said “Just ignore him,” and “He’s my beta,” and “He’s pretty fast, but it’s all he’s got going for him.”

It felt good. Really good. Fucking awesome, really.

She told Jake some story about how she was busy with yoga and looking at classes and was able to beg out of patrols for a week. A lot of that time she ended up alone in her room, thinking. Making up this whole world where everyone called Leah “him” and even aside from it being easier to be another one of the guys in a male-only pack, there was just something so  _ right _ about it. Leah started thinking of himself as “he”, just in his head.

He went through his closet, throwing out a lot of his old clothes. Ones that accentuated his girlish curves, deep low-cut tops that show off his meager chest. The only things that gave him pause were when he got to a couple of very girly-girl outfits that were given to him by his dad. He could still remember it, the way his dad had gone shopping for Leah when he was younger and ended up buying something Leah would never really wear. That was the last time his dad shopped for Leah, but he had always kept the clothes shoved at the back of his closet.

God he missed his dad.

They’d always had a special connection. As a kid, Leah had followed him everywhere. Telling him that Leah wanted to grow up to be just like him.

He clenched a fist in the floral fabrics he was looking at and slid them to the back of the closet again. What would his dad think of him now? Some freak, not wanting to be his daughter anymore, not his little girl. But maybe that’s why Leah had always loved him so much. Maybe something in him knew this was coming, even if Leah hadn’t. And now he was dead and it was Leah’s fault and everything was so fucked up.

He doesn’t finish going through the clothes that night and ends up sobbing into his pillow hoping that Seth and his mom can’t hear him, clothes half-off the hangers and strewn across the floor. After his eyes are dry and he’s slept longer than he usually does, he cleans up and doesn’t look too deep into the closet again, not wanting to see the bright colors and patterns that are hidden just out of view.

He’d always worn sports bras. They’re just more practical. And his chest was pretty small on it’s own, so with the added elastic of the sports bra and a loose fitting shirt, he can almost pass for a man. His hair is cropped short and most of his clothes run the line of generic t-shirts and jeans, cheap, easily replaced, and androgynous.

He stays at home and thinks about rolling into Port Angeles where no one knows him, his voice maybe a bit deeper and his chest maybe a bit flatter, and chatting up some guy at a bar. Or even some girl. They would laugh at his jokes, let him put his arm around them, look to him for protection. And not just because he’s a wolf. They’d enjoy his company and call him Leah and tell him he’s such a charming handsome man and they wouldn’t know anything about Leah the annoying bitter harpy from the reservation. He does chores around the house, and it takes almost three times as long as it would otherwise because he keeps drifting off into daydreams about this cool and not self-hating Leah in his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

His mom had been spending most of her time with Charlie Swan, so she’s not there to realize just how reclusive her eldest is being. By the end of the week, Leah’s pretty much a guy. He recoils at the thought of being trans, but also knew (in a wordless place in his heart that he doesn’t want to spit out into the open world) that it’s true. He’s not a girl.

Goddammit.

He called Rachel and told her as vaguely as possible that she was right and that he’s come to some (ahem) realizations. Rachel laughed and told him he’s welcome to come by to talk anytime.

He waits for his mom to come home while Seth is out patrolling. He can’t spring this on her, he’s got to work up to it. He can’t have this turn out the way it did with his dad about being a wolf. But also he’s got to just  _ do it _ or he’s never going to be able to.

His mom’s hanging the car keys up and Leah begins.

“Hey, mom. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

She glances over her shoulder and must catch the serious look on his face and she raises her eyebrows and turns fully around.

“What’s going on, Leah? Are you okay? This isn’t another goodbye before a vampire war, right?” A hard edge creeps in on the last sentence, and Leah shakes his head emphatically.

“No, no. Everyone’s safe. I just, uh… Just sit down.”

She sat down on the couch and Leah joined her, one leg on the cushion so he can face her.

“I’m transgender. Like… I want to be a guy. I  _ am _ a guy. I love my name, I’m not gonna change it Mom don’t worry! I just... I’d rather be called ‘he’ and stuff from now on.”

His mom was silent for a minute as she processed what her eldest had just told her. Then she nodded determinedly and pulled Leah in for a fierce hug. He stiffened and then wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back tightly. She pet his hair softly.

“I’m glad you could tell me. I love you, Leah.”

Leah sniffled a little as they pulled apart, and his mom gave him a searching look.

“Does the pack know?”

“Not -- Not yet.”

“They’ll find out sooner or later, sweetheart.” His heart twisted at the truth in her words, but then she hugged him again and he had to sniff pretty hard to keep back the tears threatening to spill.  

* * *

 

He wasn’t going to get out of pack duties for much longer, so he might as well just bite the bullet and get back on patrols. Maybe he just could never say anything and hide it forever until he moved away and then never come home again and live as himself wherever he ended up.

It was that thought process that found him rejoining patrols the next afternoon. He went ahead and shifted and started making his way to the beginning of his usual patrol route. Seemed like only Jacob and Seth were shifted at the moment, so. Small mercies. (If you can call Jacob Black small or a mercy.)

_ Leah! _

He’s immediately greeted by a pleased Seth. Jacob chimes in, of course.

_ You’re back. Yoga not treating you well enough? _

_ Yoga is fine. I just figured you losers would need some help. God knows I can’t leave you on your own much longer, you’ll start another war or some shit. _

_ Aw, Leah, c’mon. _

Seth sounded exasperated and Leah huffed a wolfish laugh.

_ You okay? You’ve been kind of weird lately. _

Of course Seth had to bring it up now, when he can try and poke into Leah’s mind. Jacob zeros in on it too, naturally. No way Leah could try and have a casual patrol without them ganging up on him.

_ I’m fine. Just been doing some thinking. _

He could feel worry and anxiety from his brother, along with curiosity with a tinge of dread from Jacob. Leah mentally sighed.

_ Look, it’s...  _

He floundered on how to start, and ended up just laying out the memories of the past few days, jumbled and sharp. Seth slowed down in his running and Jacob stumbled at the onslaught of emotions. Leah waited as they sifted through and processed all that he had been doing and thinking about, and afterwards there was a stunned silence, them not knowing what to say.

_ So you’re trans? _

_...Yeah. _

_ I…  _

Seth was at a loss. Not upset, just surprised. Jacob was struggling too, but his inner Alpha seemed to take over.

_ Thanks for trusting us with this, Leah. When you come out to the rest of the pack, if anyone puts a  _ **_paw_ ** _ out of place… _

The threat was left hanging, Leah could tell he wanted to say he would take care of them but also didn’t want to offend Leah by saying he couldn’t handle it himself.

_ Yeah. You’re not my sister anymore, but you’re my brother. If anyone has a problem with it, they’ll have to go through me. _

Leah was a bit amused at the thought of Seth being intimidating, but folded that away and let them both see the warmth and gratitude he felt at their reactions. But…

_ “ _ **_When_ ** _ ”? _

_ It’s going to come out one way or another. That  _ **_is_ ** _ why you were avoiding patrols. You know this. _

Leah mentally sighed. It was true.

_ Might as well get it done sooner rather than later, I guess. I’ll meet up with them on their shifts later. _

_ Sounds good. _

Leah was just getting ready to shift back when Jacob’s next thought stopped him.

_ When do you want to tell the Cullens? _

**_Excuse_ ** _ me? _

_ If you’re going to be telling the pack, then they’re going to find out too. Either through when I talk about the pack or just Edward hearing something. _

Leah rumbled in the back of his throat and wordlessly cursed. Goddamn mindreader. What a fucking pain.

_ I know, right? _

Jacob thought sardonically.

_ Oh, shut up. _

Leah thought about it. What could he do? He would have to tell them. Ugh.

_ You’re going to the Cullens later, I assume. _

_ Yeah. Seth’s coming too. _

_ Esme makes a mean cinnamon roll,  _ Seth interjected.

_ I’ll just come with you. Get it fucking over with. _

All this being trans and coming out business was such a hassle. He should’ve just never said anything. Or thought about it in the first place.

_ Hey now..  _ Jacob trailed off, not knowing what to say.

_ Well, I’m glad you did, man. It’s important. _ Seth said with finality, and Leah had to begrudge the truth of it. Didn’t make it less annoying, though.


End file.
